Quotes

 When I die, I want to die like my Grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in the car which he was driving .*

 ~Will Rogers

*Never under any circumstance take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.*

 ~Dave Barry

*Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.*

 ~Miles Kington

*Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.*

~Mark Twain

*Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born.?*

~Benny Hill

*I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.*

~Emo Philips

*By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.*

~Charles Wadsworth

*People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.*

~Isaac Asimov

*Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.*

~Mark Twain

*Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?*

~Lily Tomlin

*If it's sent by ship, then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.*

~Dave Allen

*An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.*

~Agatha Christie

*The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.*

~Robert Bloch

*Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.*

~Oscar Wilde