> 1. When a lion escapes from a Circus in Africa , how do they know when they've caught the right one ?
>
> 2.The safest place to be during an earthquake would be a stationary store
>
> 3.In some places in America a seventeen-year old girl needs a note for being absent from school ,but she does not need one to get an abortion
>
> 4.The old Zodiac signs depict an obsolete world : the archer , the water bearer ,Balance ,Goat ,Bulls , Twins and the Ram etc
>
> What we need today are modern Zodiac signs that represent today's realities ; The Serial rapist ,the Lone Gunman , the Suicide Bomber , the Paranoid the Schizophrenic , the Sexual Pervert , the Money Launderer ,the Disgruntled. Bureaucrat ,the communal fanatic
>
> 5.The words Fire Department sounds like they are the ones who are starting the Fire ,doesn't it? It should be called the " Fire Extinguishing Department "
> We don't call the Police " Crime Department " .Also the " Bomb Squad "sounds like a terrorist gang .The same is true of Wrinkle Cream .Doesn't it sound like causing wrinkles ?And why would a doctor prescribe pain pills ? I already have pain .I need relief pills .
>
> 6.People tell you to have a safe trip ,as if you have some control over it .
>
> 7 .At what point in his journey does an emigrant become an immigrant ? Tell me .
>
> 8.In a factory that makes bathroom disinfectant ,the whole factory smells like the bathroom .
>
> 9.McDonald's breakfast under 50 rupees actually costs much more than that .You have to factor in the cost of your future bypass surgery
>
> 10.When a masochist brings his girlfriend home from the restaurant or bar does he say " Excuse me for a moment .I am going to slip into something uncomfortable ?
>
> 11.Sometimes when I watch a Police or Army Parade I wonder how many of those poor marchers are in desperate need of a good piss ?
>
> 12.When you look at some of Picasso's paintings .it makes you wonder what kind of women he fantasized when he masturbated .
>
> 13.If a really stupid person becomes senile ,how can you tell ?
>
> 14.What exactly is " Viewer discretion " ? If viewers had discretion ,most television shows would not be on the air
> .
> 15.If cockpit voice-recorders are so indestructible ,why don't they just build an airplane that's one BIG cockpit voice recorder ?.
>
> 16.What exactly is midair ? Is there some other part of the air besides the " midair "?
>
> 17.When you reach a certain age there comes a time when everyone you know is sick .
>
> 18.There was a death-row prisoner in Texas who on the day before his execution managed to take a drug overdose .They rushed him to a hospital ,saved his life then brought him back to prison and executed him .Apparently to piss him off .Jesus ---
>
> 19.We are reaching a stage in human civilization when if you manage not to be canceled out by birth control pills ,IUDs , or condoms and you are actually conceived ;and then by some additional stroke of luck you are not aborted ,miscarried ,or given a birth defect by your mother's use of tobacco or alcohol , or some medicine during pregnancy or her death in a speeding car ; and you are lucky enough to be born as a relatively normal child ,then all you have to worry about is being beaten or sexually abused for your first sixteen years ( if
> you are a girl ) after that you have a chance , of being chronically unemployed or being killed by an insane rapist or robber or in a riot or a bomb blast .
>
> 20.Why are there no B batteries ? There aren't even A batteries .In fact it's almost as if they went out of their way to avoid A and B . They went straight to AA and AAA .Also you will never see Vitamins F ,G,H, I .and J .Why ? Why are certain airline seat numbers missing and whatever became of Boeing 717 ?And Chanel No 8
>
> #4 ? Also all I ever hear about are the Sixth and Seventh Fleets .Where are the other five ?
>
> 21 .If as a kid a movie can be seen by you only with an adult ,you are bound to ask about a particular scene in the movie "What's he doing dad ? "
> "He is F****** son ."
>
> 22.Once in a Departmental Store in America I asked one of the sales girls ,where the "self- help " Section was .She replied " I can't tell you that sir ,because if I tell Byou the whole purpose would be defeated
> .
> 23 .It's better if an entire family gets Alzheimer's disease .That way they can all sit around and wonder who they are
>
> 24 .Why is San Francisco in the " bay area " but Saudi Arabia is in the " gulf region
>
> ? Is a region bigger than an area ?
>
> 25 " No comment " is a comment .
>
> 26.After how much time does a persistent cough become a chronic cough ?
>
> 27.Why do the Dutch people have two names for their country ,Holland and the Netherlands and neither one includes the word Dutch ?
>
> 28.Nothing rhymes with nostril
>
> 29.How can crash course and collision course have different meanings ?
>
> 30.Sometimes I look out the airplane window at a large city at night and wonder how many are fornicating at that moment
>
> 31.Why are there terms like " new tradition " ,'Original copy " ," authentic reproduction " ."true replica " " highly depressed "live recording " "uninvited guest " "open secret " "resident alien " "silent alarm" "mercy killing " " holy war "nondairy
> creamer " "mandatory options ""friendly fire " death benefits " and " limited life-time guarantee" ?
>
> 34 .They said on the news that tests on monkeys showed HIV can be transmitted through oral sex . What I want to know is who had to blow the monkeys ?
>
> 35.If they can have a shop called Athlete's Foot ,why isn't there one called Ringworm ?
>
> 36.Sex always has unforeseen consequences -- sometimes disastrous .When Hitler's mother went to bed on that fateful night with her husband ,she effectively canceled out the lives of 6 million Jews in the concentration camps of Germany
and millions of people in other countries in World War II
>
> 37 .Television newscasters in America warn viewers that something they are going to show might upset people " Be warned that the next film clip is very graphic Band contains explicit language ,so you might to reconsider if you want to see it or ifB it is suitable for children " Imagine ! Explicit and graphic ! Here are two definitions of those words according to Webster's Third New International Dictionary.
> Explicit : characterized by full clear expression ,being without vagueness or ambiguity .
> Graphic : Marked by clear and lively description or striking imaginative power.Sharply outlined or delineated .So,what is the problem here ? Why do they feel it necessary to warn people against the possibility of seeing something clear
> sharply outlined ,unambiguous and with striking imaginative power ?
>
> 38. I AM FED UP WITH THE " PRE - " EPIDEMIC
>
> I am tired of listening to words like Preboard ,Prescreen ,Prerecord ,Pretaped , Preexisting ,Preorder ,Preplan ,Pretest , Precondition,and preregister.In nearly all of these cases you can drop the "" Pre " and not change the meaning of the
word .. " This suicide film was not prescreened by the school " No,of course not .It was screened .
>
>
> 39." Best seller " really only means " good seller " .There can be only one " best seller " .All the rest are good sellers .Each succeeding book on the list is probably a better seller .
>
> 40.Have you ever wondered why there are never any really good-looking women on long distance buses or in your compartment on trains ? Why is it you are never lucky enough to get an attractive girl sitting next to you in an airplane ?
>
> 41 .I am tired of being put on hold by Airline offices when I want some information urgently .I don't want to listen to the same monotonous message telling me over and over again that somebody will soon be attending to you .I don't even
> listen to my favorite songs over and over again at home
>
> 42 .In Texas they caught a guy who had killed 27 people .The Police said " he was a loner. ".Well of course he was a loner ,he killed everyone he came into contact with .Who wants to listen to this nonsense ?
>
> 43.In Los Angeles a guy was charged with gambling ,loan sharking ,extortion ,narcotics ,prostitution, murder ,pornography ,labor racketeering ,stolen cars, business fraud ,mail fraud ,wire fraud ,bribery ,corruption .perjury ,and jury
> tampering .Here is a guy who didn't waste a minute . Busy ,busy ,busy .
>
> 44.Why is it with any piece of home electronics equipment there are always a few buttons and switches that you never use ? And why is it you are not told about this by the shop which sold it you at the time of purchase ?
>
> 45 .EXPRESSIONS I QUESTION
>
> ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER ..Not always .Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing .Ask any addict .
>
> THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN TH SWORD needs to be updated .It's overdue .It should have been changed much earlier in the twentieth century to "The type-writer is mightier than the machine gun ..But at this point it should probably read "
> The computer is mightier than the guided missile "
>
> UNIDENTIFIED PERSON : What exactly is an " unidentified person " ?Doesn't everyone have an identity ?Maybe he is a person they can't identify ..But that would make him an " unidentifiable person ".I guess if nothing else he could always
> be referred to as " the guy we can't identify " .There ,that's better .
>
> YOU CAN HEAR A PIN DROP : Well ,you can't hear a pin drop .When the pin is dropping it is floating through the air .There's very little noise .In India this phrase has undergone a transformation .There is supposed to be a " pin drop silence "
> in a Hall before the class begins or a music concert commences .This kind of silence is very common in India ..
>
> YOU NEVER KNOW : Not true at all .Sometimes you do know '
>
> IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME : How can this be ? Shouldn't it be " In the right place at the wrong time ? " If a guy gets hit by a stray bullet he is in the right place ( where his day's activities have taken him ) at the wrong time (
> when the bullet is passing by ) .If he were at the wrong place ,the bullet wouldn't have been there .IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME is also questionable .Let's say a guy wins a prize for being a bank's millionth customer .All you really have to say is
> " He was in the right place "After all it had to be the right time .That's the only time they were giving away the prize .If it hadn't been the right time ,it wouldn't have been the right place .Twenty minutes later the bank wouldn't be the " right place " anymore .
>
> YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY : Actually you learn something old every day Just because you learned it doesn't mean it's new .Other people already knew it .Columbus is a good example .It is wrong to say that an Explorer "discovered " a new country .The country had always been there .The explorer just happened to be the first from another country to visit it .
>
> THE SKY IS THE LIMIT .Well how can you say that ? The sky never ends .It extends indefinitely into the depths of space beyond our imagination .What kind of a limit is that ? The earth on the other hand is the limit .It is finite
> .
> YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS : That depends on how intimately you know the other person .Maybe you can't have it both ways at once but if you have got the time , the energy and the desire you can probably have it three or four ways
> and it would be some sort of a record !
>
> WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW WON'T HURT YOU : You should have just Indira Gandhi and Rajiv Gandhi about this one
>
> NOBODY EVER SAID LIFE WAS FAIR : Not so .I remember as I was growing up at least six different people telling me life was fair .I specifically remember one person who told me " Life you will find is fair". .Oddly enough all of them died before the age of thirty - five .
>
> IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME: As opposed to what ? The privacy of someone else's home ?You have no privacy in someone else's home ; that's why you have got your own home .
>
> TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT : Well it just so happens that two wrongs do make a right .Not only that ,but as the number of wrongs increases the whole thing goes up exponentially .So that while two wrongs make a right and four wrongs make two rights it actually takes sixteen wrongs to make four rights .It seems that anyone who is stringing together more than 256 wrongs needs counselling not mathematics .
>
> IF YOU HAVE SEEN ONE YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL : Do we have to even talk about this one ? This should be obvious .If you've seen one you've seen just one .If you have seen them all only then you've seen them all .Ask any tourist or visitor to a museum .I don't understand how this one even got started
> .
> YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL : Not true .If you go to Las Vegas or Reno you will see plenty of guys who have won them all and become millionaires overnight .
>
> To hell with pessimists .
>
> THOSE WERE THE DAYS : No those were the nights .! Think back .Weren't the nights better? Days you had to do your homework or study hard for your your examinations if you were at school or college or work your butt off if you were
> employed .But nights ? Ah ,that's when you had fun .You went to parties ,danced dated and got laid if you were among the lucky few ." Those were the nights ! "
>
> THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH : Some nitwit stated this .What about when you eat at home ? I don't pay when I eat lunch at home -- it's free
> Sometimes I will leave a tip for my maid during festivals or birthdays but basically it's a free lunch .Yes ,I know we had to buy the provisions at the grocery store !
>
> LIFE IS SHORT : Sorry that's a pessimist's view . Life is not short ,it's just that since everything else lasts so long --- mountains ,rivers ,stars ,the planets -- life seems short Actually life lasts just the right amount of time until you die .Death on the other hand is short .
>
> 46 .Sometimes I come across a sign I don't like: " Authorized Personnel Only " Now if there's one thing I know about myself it's that I am definitely not authorized I wouldn't even know where to get authorized .Can you do it by Mail or online .It doesn't matter .I get through the door anyway .If I get stopped I say "Well I may not be authorized for you but I am authorized for other things And your sign doesn't mention which things "
>
> 47 .It's odd that the word breath becomes breathe by adding a letter at the end and yet the pronunciation changes in the middle .And woman becomes women by changing the vowel at the end while the pronunciation changes near the beginning
>
> .Was somebody drunk when these decisions were made ?
>
> 48 .I saw a sign in San Jose which said " park and ride " .It's confusing .They really ought to make up their minds .
>
> 49.I saw another sign in Pittsburgh which said " Park and Lock " .If you park and lock you are stuck in the car .It should be ,park ,get out and lock "
>
> 50.DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY is necessary because of the many diseases diplomats are exposed to in various countries .
>
> 51.if you mail a letter to the post office who delivers it
>
> 52.what is the plural of a hell of a guy ? " Hells of Guys ?"
>
> 53 .Why does Filipino start with an F whereas Philippines start with Ph ?
>
> 54 .People readily admit that they have bad handwriting or that they can't do mathematics .But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver .
>
> 55 .If you post a letter to your postman will he get it before he is supposed to ?
>
> 56 .And lastly here's something I can do without : people ahead of me on the supermarket line who are paying for an inexpensive item by credit card .Chewing Gum is not a major purchase .And I get just as discouraged when a guy who is
> buying one small bottle of tomato sauce tries to use his credit .Honestly folks carry some money around will you ? It comes in handy .No one should be allowed to buy a loaf of bread with a credit card .
>
> 57.And about these characters at the airport gift shop who think somehow they are in the biggest Mall in India ? It's an airport ! I'm standing there with just one old newspaper .I have got to get to my Plane .Why does the mentally retarded hippie ahead of me choose this moment to purchase a six different six different flavours of chewing gum , four new pairs of jeans and some stationery ?And of course lady at the counter has to take ages to wrap each item separately .And now the other girl in the counter gets the doubt as to whether she they can
> accept Turkish traveler's cheques .You know what you feel like doing .Throw the stuff you wanted to buy and run like hell to catch your flight .
>
> 58. What exactly is meant when someone calls a boxer the undisputed champion of the World. If there is no dispute what's the problem?
>
>
>
> 2.The safest place to be during an earthquake would be a stationary store
>
> 3.In some places in America a seventeen-year old girl needs a note for being absent from school ,but she does not need one to get an abortion
>
> 4.The old Zodiac signs depict an obsolete world : the archer , the water bearer ,Balance ,Goat ,Bulls , Twins and the Ram etc
>
> What we need today are modern Zodiac signs that represent today's realities ; The Serial rapist ,the Lone Gunman , the Suicide Bomber , the Paranoid the Schizophrenic , the Sexual Pervert , the Money Launderer ,the Disgruntled. Bureaucrat ,the communal fanatic
>
> 5.The words Fire Department sounds like they are the ones who are starting the Fire ,doesn't it? It should be called the " Fire Extinguishing Department "
> We don't call the Police " Crime Department " .Also the " Bomb Squad "sounds like a terrorist gang .The same is true of Wrinkle Cream .Doesn't it sound like causing wrinkles ?And why would a doctor prescribe pain pills ? I already have pain .I need relief pills .
>
> 6.People tell you to have a safe trip ,as if you have some control over it .
>
> 7 .At what point in his journey does an emigrant become an immigrant ? Tell me .
>
> 8.In a factory that makes bathroom disinfectant ,the whole factory smells like the bathroom .
>
> 9.McDonald's breakfast under 50 rupees actually costs much more than that .You have to factor in the cost of your future bypass surgery
>
> 10.When a masochist brings his girlfriend home from the restaurant or bar does he say " Excuse me for a moment .I am going to slip into something uncomfortable ?
>
> 11.Sometimes when I watch a Police or Army Parade I wonder how many of those poor marchers are in desperate need of a good piss ?
>
> 12.When you look at some of Picasso's paintings .it makes you wonder what kind of women he fantasized when he masturbated .
>
> 13.If a really stupid person becomes senile ,how can you tell ?
>
> 14.What exactly is " Viewer discretion " ? If viewers had discretion ,most television shows would not be on the air
> .
> 15.If cockpit voice-recorders are so indestructible ,why don't they just build an airplane that's one BIG cockpit voice recorder ?.
>
> 16.What exactly is midair ? Is there some other part of the air besides the " midair "?
>
> 17.When you reach a certain age there comes a time when everyone you know is sick .
>
> 18.There was a death-row prisoner in Texas who on the day before his execution managed to take a drug overdose .They rushed him to a hospital ,saved his life then brought him back to prison and executed him .Apparently to piss him off .Jesus ---
>
> 19.We are reaching a stage in human civilization when if you manage not to be canceled out by birth control pills ,IUDs , or condoms and you are actually conceived ;and then by some additional stroke of luck you are not aborted ,miscarried ,or given a birth defect by your mother's use of tobacco or alcohol , or some medicine during pregnancy or her death in a speeding car ; and you are lucky enough to be born as a relatively normal child ,then all you have to worry about is being beaten or sexually abused for your first sixteen years ( if
> you are a girl ) after that you have a chance , of being chronically unemployed or being killed by an insane rapist or robber or in a riot or a bomb blast .
>
> 20.Why are there no B batteries ? There aren't even A batteries .In fact it's almost as if they went out of their way to avoid A and B . They went straight to AA and AAA .Also you will never see Vitamins F ,G,H, I .and J .Why ? Why are certain airline seat numbers missing and whatever became of Boeing 717 ?And Chanel No 8
>
> #4 ? Also all I ever hear about are the Sixth and Seventh Fleets .Where are the other five ?
>
> 21 .If as a kid a movie can be seen by you only with an adult ,you are bound to ask about a particular scene in the movie "What's he doing dad ? "
> "He is F****** son ."
>
> 22.Once in a Departmental Store in America I asked one of the sales girls ,where the "self- help " Section was .She replied " I can't tell you that sir ,because if I tell Byou the whole purpose would be defeated
> .
> 23 .It's better if an entire family gets Alzheimer's disease .That way they can all sit around and wonder who they are
>
> 24 .Why is San Francisco in the " bay area " but Saudi Arabia is in the " gulf region
>
> ? Is a region bigger than an area ?
>
> 25 " No comment " is a comment .
>
> 26.After how much time does a persistent cough become a chronic cough ?
>
> 27.Why do the Dutch people have two names for their country ,Holland and the Netherlands and neither one includes the word Dutch ?
>
> 28.Nothing rhymes with nostril
>
> 29.How can crash course and collision course have different meanings ?
>
> 30.Sometimes I look out the airplane window at a large city at night and wonder how many are fornicating at that moment
>
> 31.Why are there terms like " new tradition " ,'Original copy " ," authentic reproduction " ."true replica " " highly depressed "live recording " "uninvited guest " "open secret " "resident alien " "silent alarm" "mercy killing " " holy war "nondairy
> creamer " "mandatory options ""friendly fire " death benefits " and " limited life-time guarantee" ?
>
> 34 .They said on the news that tests on monkeys showed HIV can be transmitted through oral sex . What I want to know is who had to blow the monkeys ?
>
> 35.If they can have a shop called Athlete's Foot ,why isn't there one called Ringworm ?
>
> 36.Sex always has unforeseen consequences -- sometimes disastrous .When Hitler's mother went to bed on that fateful night with her husband ,she effectively canceled out the lives of 6 million Jews in the concentration camps of Germany
and millions of people in other countries in World War II
>
> 37 .Television newscasters in America warn viewers that something they are going to show might upset people " Be warned that the next film clip is very graphic Band contains explicit language ,so you might to reconsider if you want to see it or ifB it is suitable for children " Imagine ! Explicit and graphic ! Here are two definitions of those words according to Webster's Third New International Dictionary.
> Explicit : characterized by full clear expression ,being without vagueness or ambiguity .
> Graphic : Marked by clear and lively description or striking imaginative power.Sharply outlined or delineated .So,what is the problem here ? Why do they feel it necessary to warn people against the possibility of seeing something clear
> sharply outlined ,unambiguous and with striking imaginative power ?
>
> 38. I AM FED UP WITH THE " PRE - " EPIDEMIC
>
> I am tired of listening to words like Preboard ,Prescreen ,Prerecord ,Pretaped , Preexisting ,Preorder ,Preplan ,Pretest , Precondition,and preregister.In nearly all of these cases you can drop the "" Pre " and not change the meaning of the
word .. " This suicide film was not prescreened by the school " No,of course not .It was screened .
>
>
> 39." Best seller " really only means " good seller " .There can be only one " best seller " .All the rest are good sellers .Each succeeding book on the list is probably a better seller .
>
> 40.Have you ever wondered why there are never any really good-looking women on long distance buses or in your compartment on trains ? Why is it you are never lucky enough to get an attractive girl sitting next to you in an airplane ?
>
> 41 .I am tired of being put on hold by Airline offices when I want some information urgently .I don't want to listen to the same monotonous message telling me over and over again that somebody will soon be attending to you .I don't even
> listen to my favorite songs over and over again at home
>
> 42 .In Texas they caught a guy who had killed 27 people .The Police said " he was a loner. ".Well of course he was a loner ,he killed everyone he came into contact with .Who wants to listen to this nonsense ?
>
> 43.In Los Angeles a guy was charged with gambling ,loan sharking ,extortion ,narcotics ,prostitution, murder ,pornography ,labor racketeering ,stolen cars, business fraud ,mail fraud ,wire fraud ,bribery ,corruption .perjury ,and jury
> tampering .Here is a guy who didn't waste a minute . Busy ,busy ,busy .
>
> 44.Why is it with any piece of home electronics equipment there are always a few buttons and switches that you never use ? And why is it you are not told about this by the shop which sold it you at the time of purchase ?
>
> 45 .EXPRESSIONS I QUESTION
>
> ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER ..Not always .Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing .Ask any addict .
>
> THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN TH SWORD needs to be updated .It's overdue .It should have been changed much earlier in the twentieth century to "The type-writer is mightier than the machine gun ..But at this point it should probably read "
> The computer is mightier than the guided missile "
>
> UNIDENTIFIED PERSON : What exactly is an " unidentified person " ?Doesn't everyone have an identity ?Maybe he is a person they can't identify ..But that would make him an " unidentifiable person ".I guess if nothing else he could always
> be referred to as " the guy we can't identify " .There ,that's better .
>
> YOU CAN HEAR A PIN DROP : Well ,you can't hear a pin drop .When the pin is dropping it is floating through the air .There's very little noise .In India this phrase has undergone a transformation .There is supposed to be a " pin drop silence "
> in a Hall before the class begins or a music concert commences .This kind of silence is very common in India ..
>
> YOU NEVER KNOW : Not true at all .Sometimes you do know '
>
> IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME : How can this be ? Shouldn't it be " In the right place at the wrong time ? " If a guy gets hit by a stray bullet he is in the right place ( where his day's activities have taken him ) at the wrong time (
> when the bullet is passing by ) .If he were at the wrong place ,the bullet wouldn't have been there .IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME is also questionable .Let's say a guy wins a prize for being a bank's millionth customer .All you really have to say is
> " He was in the right place "After all it had to be the right time .That's the only time they were giving away the prize .If it hadn't been the right time ,it wouldn't have been the right place .Twenty minutes later the bank wouldn't be the " right place " anymore .
>
> YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY : Actually you learn something old every day Just because you learned it doesn't mean it's new .Other people already knew it .Columbus is a good example .It is wrong to say that an Explorer "discovered " a new country .The country had always been there .The explorer just happened to be the first from another country to visit it .
>
> THE SKY IS THE LIMIT .Well how can you say that ? The sky never ends .It extends indefinitely into the depths of space beyond our imagination .What kind of a limit is that ? The earth on the other hand is the limit .It is finite
> .
> YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS : That depends on how intimately you know the other person .Maybe you can't have it both ways at once but if you have got the time , the energy and the desire you can probably have it three or four ways
> and it would be some sort of a record !
>
> WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW WON'T HURT YOU : You should have just Indira Gandhi and Rajiv Gandhi about this one
>
> NOBODY EVER SAID LIFE WAS FAIR : Not so .I remember as I was growing up at least six different people telling me life was fair .I specifically remember one person who told me " Life you will find is fair". .Oddly enough all of them died before the age of thirty - five .
>
> IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME: As opposed to what ? The privacy of someone else's home ?You have no privacy in someone else's home ; that's why you have got your own home .
>
> TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT : Well it just so happens that two wrongs do make a right .Not only that ,but as the number of wrongs increases the whole thing goes up exponentially .So that while two wrongs make a right and four wrongs make two rights it actually takes sixteen wrongs to make four rights .It seems that anyone who is stringing together more than 256 wrongs needs counselling not mathematics .
>
> IF YOU HAVE SEEN ONE YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL : Do we have to even talk about this one ? This should be obvious .If you've seen one you've seen just one .If you have seen them all only then you've seen them all .Ask any tourist or visitor to a museum .I don't understand how this one even got started
> .
> YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL : Not true .If you go to Las Vegas or Reno you will see plenty of guys who have won them all and become millionaires overnight .
>
> To hell with pessimists .
>
> THOSE WERE THE DAYS : No those were the nights .! Think back .Weren't the nights better? Days you had to do your homework or study hard for your your examinations if you were at school or college or work your butt off if you were
> employed .But nights ? Ah ,that's when you had fun .You went to parties ,danced dated and got laid if you were among the lucky few ." Those were the nights ! "
>
> THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH : Some nitwit stated this .What about when you eat at home ? I don't pay when I eat lunch at home -- it's free
> Sometimes I will leave a tip for my maid during festivals or birthdays but basically it's a free lunch .Yes ,I know we had to buy the provisions at the grocery store !
>
> LIFE IS SHORT : Sorry that's a pessimist's view . Life is not short ,it's just that since everything else lasts so long --- mountains ,rivers ,stars ,the planets -- life seems short Actually life lasts just the right amount of time until you die .Death on the other hand is short .
>
> 46 .Sometimes I come across a sign I don't like: " Authorized Personnel Only " Now if there's one thing I know about myself it's that I am definitely not authorized I wouldn't even know where to get authorized .Can you do it by Mail or online .It doesn't matter .I get through the door anyway .If I get stopped I say "Well I may not be authorized for you but I am authorized for other things And your sign doesn't mention which things "
>
> 47 .It's odd that the word breath becomes breathe by adding a letter at the end and yet the pronunciation changes in the middle .And woman becomes women by changing the vowel at the end while the pronunciation changes near the beginning
>
> .Was somebody drunk when these decisions were made ?
>
> 48 .I saw a sign in San Jose which said " park and ride " .It's confusing .They really ought to make up their minds .
>
> 49.I saw another sign in Pittsburgh which said " Park and Lock " .If you park and lock you are stuck in the car .It should be ,park ,get out and lock "
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> 50.DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY is necessary because of the many diseases diplomats are exposed to in various countries .
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> 51.if you mail a letter to the post office who delivers it
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> 52.what is the plural of a hell of a guy ? " Hells of Guys ?"
>
> 53 .Why does Filipino start with an F whereas Philippines start with Ph ?
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> 54 .People readily admit that they have bad handwriting or that they can't do mathematics .But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver .
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> 55 .If you post a letter to your postman will he get it before he is supposed to ?
>
> 56 .And lastly here's something I can do without : people ahead of me on the supermarket line who are paying for an inexpensive item by credit card .Chewing Gum is not a major purchase .And I get just as discouraged when a guy who is
> buying one small bottle of tomato sauce tries to use his credit .Honestly folks carry some money around will you ? It comes in handy .No one should be allowed to buy a loaf of bread with a credit card .
>
> 57.And about these characters at the airport gift shop who think somehow they are in the biggest Mall in India ? It's an airport ! I'm standing there with just one old newspaper .I have got to get to my Plane .Why does the mentally retarded hippie ahead of me choose this moment to purchase a six different six different flavours of chewing gum , four new pairs of jeans and some stationery ?And of course lady at the counter has to take ages to wrap each item separately .And now the other girl in the counter gets the doubt as to whether she they can
> accept Turkish traveler's cheques .You know what you feel like doing .Throw the stuff you wanted to buy and run like hell to catch your flight .
>
> 58. What exactly is meant when someone calls a boxer the undisputed champion of the World. If there is no dispute what's the problem?
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