Laughter is the best medicine

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People move out of the way much faster now! 
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Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their father
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I decided to change calling the bathroom the bathroom and renamed it the gym.  I feel so much better saying I went to the gym this morning.
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I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!
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When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
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The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
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I don't have grey hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
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The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
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I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my spouse took it!
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Of course I talk to myself.. as sometimes I need expert advice