Fun for Lexophiles : An annual Pun Competition is held by the New York Times. Here are some submissions:

 Fun for Lexophiles : An annual Pun Competition is held by the New York Times. Here are some submissions:  

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.  

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.  

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. 

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.  

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.  

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.  

A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail.  

A will is a dead giveaway.  

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.  

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.  

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He's all right now.  

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.  

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.  

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.  

Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That's the point of it.  

I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.  

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?  

When you get a bladder infection, urine  u r in) trouble.  

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.

 *Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.*

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? 

Yes, we arson.

 What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled

 Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? 

Swarm.

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. 

I kneaded the dough.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? 

Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

 I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. 

It’s all about raisin awareness.