MAHABHARATIYA RAIL

14. MAHABHARATIYA RAIL Characters: Lord Ackworth – Narrator of the tale (voice over only) Pandava brothers – Yudhishtir, Bhim, Arjun, Nakul, Sahdev Duryodhan – Oldest of the Kaurava brother Dushyasan – Younger brother of Duryodhan Karna – Confidante of Duryodhan, well-wisher of the Kauravas Shakuni – Uncle of the Kaurava brothers Dhristrashtra – King of Hastinapur Vidur – Minister to King of Hastinapur Sanjay – Charioteer of Dhritarashtra Lord Krishna Singh – Ruler of Dwarka and Kutch, well-wisher of the Pandavas (The stage is pitch dark, as the title song is played in the background) Mahabharatiya Rail ... Mahabharatiya Rail ... Mahabharatiya Rail ... AAAA ...AAAA ...AAAAA … This is the Railway Saga This is the Railway Saga Railway Saga Railway Saga This is the tale of EI Railway* (Eastern Indian Railway) The is the tale of BB Railway* (Bombay Baroda Railway) The is the tale of GIP Railway* (Great Indian Peninsular Railway) This is the Railway Saga This is the Railway Saga Railway Saga Railway Saga AAAA ...AAAA ...AAAA … (As the title song fades a wheel appears on the cyclorama) (Voice Over by Lord Ackworth) Let me introduce myself. I am the third son of the Reverend William Acworth of the Hall, Somerset, and Margaret née Dundas. My Christian name is William Mitchell Ackworth. I was born at Rothley, Leicestershire, where my father was the vicar. This was in the Good Lord’s year 1850, precisely seven years before an uprising took place in India. The Sepoys termed it a “Mutiny” and a large number of native historians refer it to as the “First War of Independence”. But we in Great Britain view it more as a disaffection of a few powerless and enfeebled principalities, led by an old, incapacitated and an ineffectual Moghul whose suzerainty spanned barely twenty kilometres from Red Fort to Palam. The man claimed himself to be the Emperor of India, which was no more than a shaggy dog story. He was a king who would rather have been a poet, scion of a once–wealthy dynasty who would have rather been a mystic. This purported king had the gumption to marshal forces against the East India Company, which was quelled mercilessly by our forces and he was imprisoned in Rangoon before casting his mortal self and penning some Urdu couplets. While all these tumultuous events were taking place, I was educated at Uppingham School and Christ Church, Oxford and was armed with a master’s degree in modern history in 1875. Public affairs were my forte and I became involved with the Conservative and Unionist politics of London. In 1886 I was elected as a member of the Metropolitan Asylums Board. When the first elections to the London County Council were held, the party nominated me as their candidate. My other interest lay in the railroad system. In 1889 I wrote a treatise on Railways of England which was followed by Railways of Scotland the following year. In 1905 I published a book, Elements of Railway Economics, which was widely used as a textbook. With this corpus of literature and my contribution to railways I was knighted in 1921 and appointed the chairman of the Committee on Indian Railways. The report of the committee was voguish as the “Ackworth Report”, and led to the reorganization of Great Indian Peninsular Railways, and creation of a separate Railway Budget, an arrangement which was not prevalent in British India. For my singular contribution I was appointed as the Knight Commander of the Star of India in the year 1922. (Title Song in the background) This is the Railway Saga This is the Railway Saga Railway Saga Railway Saga This is the tale of EI Railway* (Eastern Indian Railway) The is the tale of BB Railway* (Bombay Baroda Railway) The is the tale of GIP Railway* (Great Indian Peninsular Railway) This is the Railway Saga This is the Railway Saga Railway Saga Railway Saga AAAA ...AAAA ...AAAA … (Voice Over by Lord Ackworth) The story is set prior to the separation convention and the reorganisation of Indian Railways. The dominion and gauges of Great Indian Peninsular Railway (an extensive network consisting of Eastern India Railway, Madras Railway, Bombay Baroda Railway and Central India Railway) spread across the swathes of this vast land. Peace, tranquillity and prosperity prevailed in the hinterland, bijou towns and cities, loading terminals and the railway system at large. Cumulative loading was in excess of 200 million tonnes. The record of 195 million tonnes set a few years back was smashed, a matter of immense jollity to the rulers that is us, the British. The Lords have endowed me with a spesh ambrosia, developed with fuels such as electricity, coal and diesel which empowers me to be cognisant of the past, the present and the future. For it is only I, Lord Ackworth, who knows that time is of essence. The natives refer to me as Samay. Samay as per Indians is the Kaal Chakra or the inexorable wheel of time. Only their God, Narayana or Lord Vishnu, the preserver of Creation is conscious of what happened in the past, events occurring in the present and what lies in the womb of the future. Narayana left the railway systems of Mathura, Brindavan and Agra to establish a principality in the western part of the land at a place called Dwaraka. He is also known as General Manager of Dwaraka and Kutch. The control office is strategically located on an island, which safeguards the kingdom from competitors. I cannot reveal any further details about Lord Narayana, also known as Lord Krishna Singh, without obtaining Finance Concurrence. Let me tell you Lord Kuber, the Master of Railway Wealth is extremely exigent and has to be indulged. He does not easily vet any proposal or sanction any project uploaded on the IRPSM (Indian Railways Projects Sanctions & Management) website. Thus, my lips are sealed. However, as with kingdoms in the past or with the ones which will mushroom in the future, fissures have appeared in this palatinate too. King Dhritrashtra Singh on account of certain physical disabilities was superseded and was made General Manager of Eastern India Railway, his younger sibling King Pandu Singh was made the Chief Commissioner of Great Indian Peninsular Railways; the Supreme Commander of the Railway system post the uprising of 1857. This development rendered King Dhritrashtra Singh distraught and devastated. King Dhritrasthra Singh was now merely looking after Northern and Eastern territories of the railways, though he never stopped dreaming of occupying the top spot by virtue of being the older sibling. He hankered after power and challenged the anointment of his younger brother in the Honourable CAT*. But OSD (or Officer in Search of Duty), the venerable Bhishma rejected the appeal using the powers granted to him by the Lords. Another of these powers was the boon to live and serve the railways indefinitely. Tragically, King Pandu Singh could not breach the loading target as he was ensnared by a winsome operating officer who was also a successful danseuse, when he saw her at the railway club swimming pool. He ignored the entreaties of his wife and collapsed in the Central Control office. The Chief Commissioner of Indian Railways though valorous and sagacious, was a man with a roving eye. He had been warned by his teachers, sages and OSD Bhishma to concentrate on achieving the loading targets and stop entertaining lascivious thoughts. He did not pay heed to these warnings and unfortunately his life was snuffed out by a myocardial infarction. The operating officer fractured her leg and was incapacitated. Dhritrashtra became Acting GM and chief Commissioner. Senior most Pandava scion Yudhishtir was put on fast-track to take over. OSD Bhishma was tied to the throne by the strings of loyalty to the ruler and has the boon ichha retirement. Time is limited. Come; let me take you to the Railway Staff College Gurukul where the Kauravas and the Pandavas are being educated under the watchful eye of Guru Dronbhansali. (Song) We all are playing badminton, daily in the evening-2 Bhim ne shuttle cheen li, cheen li Bhim ne use phenk di, phenk di Sr DFM shuttle pass nahi ki, pass nahi ki … We all are … (Enter Guru Dron) Guru Dron – Respected Shakuni, ruler of North Western Province Railway which had its umbilical cord with the Northern Railway all royal railway-princeling probationers, during the course of two years you have studied subjects like Establishment Rules, Finance, Engineering, Operating and Conduct rules. Senior Pandava, Yudhishtir has passed with flying colours and secured a distinction in Conduct Rules, Bhim in catering, Nakul for Stores and Material Management and Sahdev in Engineering. I am happy and proud to announce that Arjun is awarded the gold medal in Foundation and Induction. Sadly, Kauravas number 5, 14, 68, 95 and 99 have failed their training programme. I sincerely hope that all the young officers will work in the field with as much dedication as you had shown during your training. I now request Shakuni to present the gold medal to Arjun. Arjun – (to Yudhistir, smiling and a little pompously) Bhratashri, I was not expecting it. Yudhistir – Dear Arjun, let me remind you that all four of us helped you cheat in the exam and thus you topped. Therefore, this medal belongs to all of us too. Arjun – As you command, respected brother. (Prize distribution is completed, the Pandavas exit) (Music, we all are playing badminton …) (The Kauravas collect around Shakuni and start complaining) Duryodhan – (in a whining tone) Did you see that Mama Shakuni? Arjun took away the gold medal as always. (angrily)And that Bhim … he always defeats me at Ludo and Carroms. Dushyasan – That’s right Mama Shakuni. And should I dare to complain, brother Bhim beats me up! Shakuni – My dear nephews, why do you keep coming to me with your crib-delegation? And honestly, what is a gold medal worth? Stop picking my brains! Duryodhan – (exclaims angrily) Mamashri! It affects our seniority. Did you forget the 60-40 ratio? I know it wasn’t there during your time. Dushyasan – That’s right Mamashri! Shakuni – Well then, show some enterprise! Take Bhim to dine at RK Caterers kitchen and then dump him in the polluted Yamuna. Dushyasan – I hope the river won’t get emptied! Duryodhan – (excitedly):Hey! shut up! What a strategy Mamashri!! (Exit all three) (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) (Music fades, Voice Over) Lord Ackworth – Strange are the ways of destiny. What Dr. Fauzi could not do, Bhim Kumar succeeded. He emerged stronger and fitter after eating the food at RK Caterers and drinking water from the Yamuna. (Music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga ) (Enter Dushyasan, Duryodhan and Karna) Dushyasan – Myself Dushyasan, Kaurav Probationer. Hello Karna. Duryodhan – Brother Karna! Why didn’t you show up for the Induction Training? As a result, Arjun, succeeded in winning the gold medal. Karna – Friends, I was away appearing for the Mains again. My training got extended and I missed the Civil engineering class. Professor Parashuram Shreedharan got annoyed and cursed me. He proclaimed that at some time when I’m in a very tricky situation, my saloon* will derail and nobody would provide a crane to help me out during that crisis. Duryodhan – Not to worry my friend. I’ll speak to Pitashri and see that he gets an element transferred from Railway Board. In any case Railway Board is overpopulated with officers and peons. You’ll be posted straight away to Senior Scale, in Delhi Division on an ad hoc basis. (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) (Voice Over) Lord Ackworth – Time passed by. Postabhishake of all the probationers was completed. But the sword of APARs hung like the Sword of Damocles over the heads of the young officers. Emotions were running high. Competition between the cousins was at its zenith. To maintain harmony, the kingdom was split into two. The Pandavas were allotted land in the northern and north-western parts of the country and the Kauravas retained the rest of the GIPR. The Pandavas had to start from scratch, beginning with laying the tracks. But the industrious Pandavas not only created the infrastructure needed, they exceeded their loading targets, a fact which infuriated the Kauravas to their tethers end. (Song) Ab ladenge hum aur tum Teri sitti pitti gum Hum karenge aisa chakkar Ki loading bhool jaoge tum Humma, Humma, hum jeete, Aur haare tum (Enter Duryodhan, Dushyasan, Shakuni and Dhritrashtra) Duryodhan – Pitashri, you rushed into dividing the kingdom. It was quite unnecessary and a wasteful exercise. Now their operating ratio is higher than ours. We had to concede territories from our network to them after suffering heavy losses in interchange and increased wagon holding. Dhritrashtra – Son, what else could I have done? I wanted to stop the reckless interchange mania between you and them. But still you lost. Hone your skills in railway operations under the tutelage of Guru Dron. Duryodhana – He keeps all the secrets to himself for his favourite Arjuna, not even for his son Ashwathama, who is on our side and loathes the Pandavas as we do. What is the point of such a Guru? Dushyasan – All our BCNs* will now be booked to Jagadri workshop and all our CRTs* which could have become Tiger Rakes will be booked to Moradabad for ROH*. Taatshri has already signed the circular! Shakuni – Beloved nephews, I have a formula, a special formula through which their yards will get congested, their points will burst, tracks will get fractured, tracks will get twisted. The punctuality of their passenger and mail express trains will go for a toss. Box turnaround will increase, JUMBOS will stagnate … my dear nephews they will be destroyed!! Duryodhan – But what is that formula, Mamashri? Shakuni – (triumphantly) It is called the Close Circuit Rake formula. Dhritrashtra – But isn’t it against the principles of the Operating Manual? Duryodhan – This is a latest circular, number 58, which you cannot see Pitashri. (Exit Kauravas, as they confabulate) (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) (Enter Pandavas) Yudhistir – Finance Commissioner Uncle Vidur, Thanks to Mamashri Shakuni’s tactics and the CC* rake formula, our condition has become like that of an unconnected consignment. Nakul – I don’t think we were as stressed even during the Departmental exams. Sahdev – Hey! Why don’t you check –up D’Costa …Maybe we’ll find some clue. Vidur – (pondering over the problem) We will send Jyeshta Pandu Putra, Yudhistir to Australia. He will learn all Heavy Haul operations, which will help to improve your line capacity. (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) (Voice Over) Lord Ackworth – Thus, with a combination of Financial Commissioners’ Vidur’s sagacity and acuity, once again the evil plans of Shakuni were thwarted. Benefactor and champion of the Pandavas, ruler of the Western Kingdom of Dwaraka and General Manager, Dwaraka and Kutch Railway GM Shri Krishna Singh (He who has knowledge of all the manuals, codes and knows all the rules just like me) advised the Pandavas to participate in the Panchal Sarai Yard Swayamvar and perform the R.E. or Rajsuya Electrification Yagnya. Join me as we witness the grand spectacle of Swayamvar. (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree RailwaySaga) Dhrupad – Panchaal Sarai Yard became mine after years of labour, years of intense tapasya. I hereby proclaim that I will hand over this yard to that worthy rail servant who can answer one simple question. (dramatic pause) My question to all of you is, “What do you see?” (A few seconds pause as the contestants look around) Duryodhan – (in a smirking tone): I can see the yard! Dushyasan – I can see an Electric loco. (Karna stands up to answer.) Arjun – (interjecting before Karna can speak) You are not eligible to participate because you did not complete your Induction Training and your inclusion among the blue-blooded officers is also questionable. You are on ad hoc appointment unlike us who have struggled to reach this exalted position. (Karna walks away in a huff) Bhim – I see Moti Mahal and smell the aroma of butter chicken Yudhistir – All that I can see is the track circuit. Nakul – I can only see Guru General Manager. Bhim – (sarcastically) That is all that you can ever see! Nakul – For sure! After all he is the one who helped me get my posting through the sports quota. Sahdev – I can only see Guru Divisional Railway Manager. (Arjun steps forward) Arjun – All that I can see is the Hump Signal. Dhrupad – The yard is yours Arjun! Heartiest Congratulations! Heartiest Congratulations! Yudhistir – As is our tradition, this yard will also be shared by all of us! Arjun – As you command, jyesht bhrathashree! Henceforth, this yard shall be known as Panchali. (Song) Ye yard bada hai mast, mast Nahi isme koi gol mod Nahi kar sakte hain tod phod Iski line, Iski line bejod, jod Ye yard straight kambakth bakth Ye yard bada hai mast, mast Shri Krishna Singh – Dear Arjun and my dear Pandavas, it has become vital for the Pandavasa to perform the RE or Railway Electrification Yagnya to ensure progress on the Grand Chord * and Main Line. This will help you to modernize your working. Moreover, this already has the blessings of Maharishi of the Planning Commission, Montek Singh Bedi. The RE yagnya has been included in the Pink Book* too. (Lights off and music (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) (Voice Over) Lord Ackworth – The Railway Electrification Yagnya performed by the Pandavas under the guidance of their benefactor Lord Shri Krishna Singh was a stupendous success and the Pandavas achieved acclaim far and wide. As a result, there was a lot concern and turmoil in the Kaurava’s Central Control. Come let’s take a look at their affairs. (Duryodhan rushes onto the stage looking desperate) (Song) Mujhe neend na aaye, mujhe chain na aaye Pal, pal mujhe Arjun sataye Na jaane kahaan Karna kho gaya (4) Duryodhan – (despondently) I cannot bear to go through this anymore. I am going to do something! I am going to take voluntary retirement. Karna – Friend! Why do you worry? With your permission, let me derail four BOXN* rakes within their station limits. Shakuni – (exasperated) Oh Dear, the uncrowned King of Operations! Why do you always speak of derailing trains? Have you forgotten Parashuram Shreedharan’s curse that some heads will roll, likely beginning with yours! Duryodhan – But mamashree, I thought there is no accountability in railways. Shakuni – My dear nephew, at your level it is still there. It is still there … but I have another formula! Karna – (impatiently) With due respect mamashree, all your formulas have been condemned. Shakuni – No, my dear nephews. This is a tried and tested formula. Hear me out. (the Kauravas huddle closer to Shakuni, who addresses Duryodhan) Invite the Pandavas to a Humping Gamble. They will definitely agree to come because the senior most Pandava scion Yudhistir is addicted to gambling. He will never say no. Once they are here, I will apply the Agni formula to win all their lines, yards, loco sheds, sidings and workshops. (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) (Pandvas and Kauravas come on stage from opposite sides) (Song) Mukabala (2), Ooh Pandav(2) Mukabala (2), Ooh Kaurav (2) Yeh mukabala, humping ka hoga Ab SGT yard daanv par laga, Yeh yard mera hua, ole ooh Formula Kam kar gaya Mukabala (2), Humping ka hoga Shakuni – Dear Nephews, let me first familiarize you with the rules of the Humping Gamble. I will be lowering the signals on behalf of Duryodhan. The team that humps 12 wagons first in each stake will be declared winner. We will declare stakes for each shift. (Looks around at the Kauravas and Pandavas) So, let me begin. I place Mughalsarai on stake for the first shift. Yudhistir – I place Khanalampura on stake. (Both pick up their phones to take position) Yudhistir – Hello Central Cabin? … How many wagons humped? Shakuni – (annoyed) What? Only 10 wagons humped because of non-interlocking? Yudhistir – Twelve wagons? Twelve wagons? Pandavas – (victoriously) Mughalsarai is ours! Mughalsarai is ours! Shakuni – Come on. Let’s declare the stakes for the second round. I place Trivandrum on stake. Yudhishtir – I place Jammu-Tawi and Simla on stake. (both pick-up their phones) Shakuni – What?! Hold-up in Jolarpettai? Trains are not running up to Trivandrum?! Only 11 wagons humped? Yudhisthir – 12 wagons humped! Pandavas – (jubilantly) Trivandrum is ours now!! Duryodhan – (boiling with anger, holds Shakuni by the collar): Mamashree, all your formulas have failed us! If we lose, we’ll have to proceed on deputation to RITES*. Shakuni – My dear nephew, let me now try a new tactic. I will change all their points using CSM* and BCM* formula. (Background noise of the gambling continues) (Lights darken) (Voice Over) Lord Ackworth – So, it was that the Humping Gamble by the Railputras was witnessed by all the Railjan. Shakuni succeeded in his scheming ways and the Pandavas lost their empire. (Song) Na koi yard hamare paas, Na koi siding hamare naam Ham kaise karenge raaj (2) O Dharmraaj (2) (Lights brighten) (Enter Kauravas) Kauravas – The Pandavas have lost Panchaal Sarai Yard too. Panchali is ours now! Duryodhan – Here! Give me the layout of Panchal Sarai. (Dushyasan moves forward to handover the layout plan to Duryodhan) Bhim – (in a fierce voice) Stop right there, Dushashan ! All the Railputras present, hear me! All those who read their papers in the Railway Board Seminar, hear me and all those got their papers written by others hear me. I, Panduputra Bhim hereby declare that during the war I will drink up all the fuel of Kauravas, I will destroy all their pantographs and I will destroy the integrity of their Agni, Rocket, Lotus and Tiger rakes. (Bhim moves a step forward and bellows in a loud voice) This is my Akhand Rail Pratigya! Dhritrashtra – (indignantly) This is unbecoming of a Railway servant. Duryodhan – The losing team may be dismissed from service under Article 14(2). Vidur – Maharaj that would be gross injustice. Instead, I recommend that they be served an SF 11 and asked to proceed on 180 days LWP. When they return, their areas may be restored to them. Dhritarashtra – This seems to be the most cost-effective way out. This has my approval. (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree RailwaySaga) (Voice over) Lord Ackworth – In this manner the Pandavas proceeded on leave. They obtained shelter in Rangiya Division of N F Railway, where the DRM had a very colorful past. Over there the Pandavas took up appropriately low-profile jobs to sustain themselves. Yudhishtir as Chief Controller, Bhim as Catering Inspector, Sahdev as Wagon inspector and Nakul as PWI. Arjun became the de facto nautanki incharge, working without any element or salary in the division. (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) (Duryodhan, Shakuni and Vidur are in discussion) Duryodhan – (in a thoughtful tone) According to a significant report in my (SITREP) morning position, N. F. Railway aka Non-Functional Railway, has unexpectedly become functional. Loading has increased, catering has improved … Keechak Singh, the formidable Trade Union leader has been eliminated as a result of which the labour problem have been redressed. Shakuni – It appears that your cousins, the Pandavas seemed to have discovered a source of productive employment during their leave period … Listen to me dear nephews, I have another formula to tackle them. Our agent, TXR* Rangiya will take the seminar papers there. He’ll mark all their wagons DVW* as a result of which their performance indices will drop and their loading will plummet. Duryodhan – Aevamastu Vidur – But there is an indigenous loco developed by S. Mani in NFR. It’s called Yamraj … pardon me Gajraj. It runs on tea leaves, is thus cost effective and hauls BTPN rakes. (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) (Voice Over) Lord Ackworth – The Pandavas complete the period of Agyaatvas. And they return from N.F. Railway. They had passed through fire and brimstone and emerged stronger and wiser, having acquired manuals to counter the wily Shakuni and their cousins. (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) (Dhritrashtra seated on his throne and Yudhishtir speaking to him, Shakuni, the other Pandavas and Kauravas are also present) Yudhishtir – (addressing Dhritrashtra) Jyeshth Railway Adhikari, we have completed our period of LWP. I request you to regularize our leave period. I also request you to do justice unto us and return to us our kingdom. But … if you find yourself unable to do so, then let me tell you, a mere five sidings will be enough for us … the rest you may keep with yourself. Duryodhan – (interjecting before anyone else can): Five sidings?? You won’t get a single sand hump out of me! Yudhishtir – (perplexed) But why not? Duryodhan – (singing) Meri marzee Panchali mere saath rahegi, meri marzee Jise chahunga salary doonga, meri marzee Mai tumhe confidential doonga, meri marzee Yudhishtir – (in a grave tone) Then war is inevitable! (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) (Music fades out, whistle of a WDM2 sounds) (Voice Over) Lord Ackworth – Before the war begins, Duryodhan and Arjun decide to pay a visit to General Manager of Dwaraka and Kutch, Shri Krishna Singh to seek his assistance. (Arjun and Duryodhan walk into Lord Shri Krishna Singh’s chamber where he is napping) Duryodhan – (pompously) Dwarakadheesh is always asleep. (Arjun prostrates before Lord Shri Krishna Singh) Shri Krishna Singh – (affectionately) Arjun! Tell me, how was your sojourn in the N.F. Railway? Arjun – O Keshav, you are of course aware that SAG officers are surplus over all railway zones, and surprisingly even in N.F. Railway as officers from Railway Board have been shunted all over. Therefore, I decided to make an entry via the cultural quota by training at a Dance Academy. But believe me, it was no song-and-dance. In the bargain I seem to have forgotten my operating chops. Duryodhan – (addressing Shri Krishna Singh, interjecting) You are of course aware that war has been declared. I insist that you have to fight on our side. Lord Shri Krishna Singh – Is that so? Why? (Ignoring him, he starts playing the flute) Arjun – (interjecting politely) After serving in N.F., we have the boon of ichha request O, Keshav. So, you have to help us. Lord Shri Krishna Singh – (looking from one to the other) You have put me in a quandary. (thinks for few minutes) On the one hand will be 90,000 of my staff, including stalwarts like the Divisional Secretary and Zonal Secretary, and on the other hand it will be just me. I will not pick up a weapon. I will only guide you on Establishment Rules. Duryodhan – (eagerly) Then I will opt for the Divisional Secretary, Zonal secretary and the 90,000 men. Lord Shri Krishna Singh – Tadhastu! (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) (Shakuni is seated and Duryodhan walks in excited) Duryodhan – (in a triumphant tone) Mama Shakuni, we are stronger than ever now!! Ninety thousand staff, including Divisional Secretary and Zonal Secretary from Dwaraka and Kutch will fight on our behalf!! Shakuni – You fool! That elusive Shri Krishna has tricked you. Neither do his men have arms and nor has Finance Department given its concurrence for any new purchases. What is the point of an army without any weapons? You always act in haste and repent at leisure. Now I see no purpose in your visit to Dwaraka and Kutch. (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) (Dhritrashtra seated on the throne and Sanjay seated next to him) Dhritrashtra – Sanjay, Sanjay where are you? Sanjay – (exasperatedly) Sir, when you cannot see me anyway, why should I present myself before you? (pauses to calm himself) Sir, let me proceed to give you the live position of the battlefield. I have the boon of a cellular phone technology, though it is banned by the ministry of Finance at the moment. Dhritrashtra – Tell me Sanjay, what is going on over there? Sanjay – Benefactor of the Pandavas, Sri Krishna is giving Arjun the Railkshetre Divisionkshetre discourse. (Song) Hump kiye ja (2) Damage ki chinta mat kar e insaan, Jaisa hump karega, waisa wagon dega Ram Yeh hai humping ka gyan (2) Arjun – Hey Keshav, how can I fight this war. Neither do I remember Maslow and Herzberg’s Motivational Theory nor do I remember ABC Analysis. I do not even remember D and AR rules! I have forgotten the 4Ps of marketing and also the strategy of Sun Tzu, Kautilya, Michael Porter and Garry and Hammel. I do not recall economics, macro or micro. Today I am a failure (he slumps to the ground). Sanjay – Arjun has not been able to overcome his illusions despite Krishna’s guidance. In desperation Shri Krishna has sent an SOS to the Rajbhasha Adhikari. (Voice Over) Yadaa, Yadaa hi budgetasya, Glanirbhavati railway Abhyuthanam Budgetasya, Senior DAO srujamyaham Bill ruddhanaya Thekedaranaam Dandanayacha Afsaraan Karma Sansthapanaya Sambhvami Railey Railey Krishna – Hey Arjun, you completed your SA grade Promotional course a mere few weeks back and you’ve forgotten the D and AR rules?! You are not behaving as a man of ordinary prudence. Your conduct is unbecoming of a Railway Servant. O Railputra Arjun, hear me and hear me well. New warriors, when they arrive Get the stations cleaned all over again Then they issue new joint circulars But the passengers, they change not Garbage they continue to throw around Can that be reason for not installing dustbins? Rise O Arjun, this is a war for Dharma Today, your duty is to clean up! (Lights fade out) Krishna – O Arjun, you forget that you were a mere Nautanki incharge in N.F., you taught dance. Now I’m going to bless you with the ability to witness a divine sight which will help you to destroy all the Kauravas. (Visual of Krishna’s Vishwa Roop Darshan) Krishna – Remember your Junior Scale days O Arjun, when a mere verbal lashing would give the controllers a heart attack and doctors would rush to treat them. Remember your days as Sr. DOM when you wielded D&AR to clear many ineffectual personnel out of your way. Arjun – But Lord, those who I removed were mere employees. These are my course-mates, my batch-mates and my cousins. Krishna – Let me reveal the secret to destroy the valorous Kaurava soldiers. Recollect your skills as a dancer that you acquired during your time in N.F. Railway. Use those skills before Bhishma and that will put an end to his boon of icchha retirement. He will be forced to step down as Commander-in-Chief. Prepare a siding where elephants are loaded instead of horses and buffaloes. Do this where Guru Dron is stationed. The moment he sees elephants being loaded, he will voluntarily step away from the battlefield and opt for retirement. Karna is in any case cursed by Professor Shreedharan and so his saloon will get derailed. Arjun – (ingenuously) So, we will not send an Accident Relief Train? Krishna – The hooter at State Entry Road colony is never audible. Most railputras end up mistaking an accident for a mock drill. Arjun – O Lord, then how do I defeat Duryodhan? Krishna – Arjun, pay attention. Every time Duryodhan goes on line, he inspects more of the railway housing colonies than he does the tracks. Our spies have it all recorded on their iPhones. When you release this video online, it will go viral. Duryodhan will be forced to hand back Panchal Sarai yard to avoid even worse a fate. This way you will not have to seek permission of PFA and CMD. (Lights off) (Dhritrashtra and Sanjay are seated) Dhritrashtra – Is he enlightening him?? More like confusing him! Sanjay – Sir, if only you had agreed to transfer five sidings to the Pandavas, we could have avoided the catastrophe of this war. Be that as it may, the latest position stands this way. Arjun has used the Heavy Haul Astra and Bhim has fulfilled his Rail pratigyna. OSD Bhisma is lying on the ARME bed and Arjun is taking him towards the washing pit to slake his thirst. Karna’s saloon has got derailed. Bhishma has opted for voluntary retirement and seems to be in favor of privatization. Sir, you have lost the war. (Voice Over) Lord Ackworth – In this way the Great Indian Peninsular Railway was privatized and the Pandavas became rulers of N.E. Railway or Non-Existent Railway. The once glorious kingdom of Great Indian Peninsular Railway was trifurcated into TELCO Corridor, Adani Port Railway and Ambani Rail Infrastructure Corporation. (Voice Over) Akaashvaani – The travelling public reaped the benefits of the trifurcation; world class facilities at affordable rates. But ten years down the line complaints began surfacing that rail services were becoming exorbitantly expensive and a regulatory authority was needed to intervene. A search is currently on by an ombudsman for a suitable regulatory. (Lights off and music) (Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Aaa, Athshree Railway Saga) CURTAINS