THOUGHT PROVING - BY SUBASH GODBOLE - IRSME officer

’63 batch has been singularly unlucky to have lost so many of its members so early in their careers and lives. Arun Kumar Bhatanagar, Shamsher Jang,  Vinod Kohli, Kiranjeet Singh(Kinty) Paintal, Rohit (Billoo) Vohra, Vijay Bhargav and now the fit and ever smiling Devraj too. Our batch is in the age group when thoughts about death cannot be kept away though one does not talk about it. I am narrating an interview which I had about 20 years ago with a doctor because the interview was a very positive interaction and was quite unforgettable for me. I am sure it would make an interesting reading. It was so long ago and was conducted in Marathi but it has remained so green in my mind that I have put it down now in English. Naturally the words are mine but the events and the gist of discussion and points are essentially same. It has become a bit long as brevity has never been my virtue but I am sure you will appreciate atleast the conversation between me and the doctor.    It was in 1994 during my tenure as Director  IRIM&EE at Jamalpur  that I became aware that both my kidneys were failing.  Though GOD has provided all of us with 7 times our bare requirement of nephrons, they, like the neurons and ovarian eggs, are the only 3 human cells, which are neither regenerated nor revived. The news was stunning as I was just 50. One does not assimilate knowledge about such terminal ailments unless they stare you in face. I then found out that strict diet control could decelerate the rate of damage but just cannot stop it and revival of dead nephrons was, in any case, unheard of.  Dialysis, 3 to 4 times a week, was an alternative of course but ultimately if you could find a kidney donor whose parameters matched, transplantation was a better solution. Way back in late 90s, the OT survival rate was around 70 to 75%. When prospects look so bleak, all of us, except staunch atheists, turn to GOD, godmen, miracles etc. I, never an atheist, was no exception either. We never talked about it for the next 9 years, during which I worked as Dir IRIM&EE, DRM,SDGM,CPO,CME and AGM simply because it might have been demoralizing for my juniors to work under a sick man with numbered days. The Railway doctors too respected my desire for confidentiality and either the secret was well maintained or those decent souls, who suspected something, were kind to me and never broached the subject. Prayers gave both of us immense strength during this period. My elder sister (now running 90) and her late husband, had progressed much on the path of spiritualism and had many devotees too, one of whom was Dr. Phadake,  then in his late sixties who had a clinic in Chembur. My sister and jijaji asked me to go and see him for my kidney problem. I went, but rather unwillingly, as one of the top notch Nephrologists of Mumbai was treating me and Dr. Phadake was not even a kidney specialist. I rang him up and took an appointment. He was already told to expect my call. I went and met him. After enquiring about the well being of my sister and jijaji, he bluntly asked me “Why have you come to me all the way from Colaba to Chembur, when you are being treated by one of the best specialists of Mumbai?” He never even enquired about my reports, symptoms, line of current treatment etc. I was stunned and did not know how to reply and kept mum. Dr. continued “You ought to know that I am a simple MBBS, am nearly 70 and in fact have turned to Homeopathy for last 10 years.” I then blurted out “Simply because my sister told me and I cannot disregard her.”   I was already warned that he had an acidic tongue and did not mince his words so I was expecting that I will be shown the door after my rude and curt reply. To my surprise, he was not annoyed but instead gave me a benevolent smile, like a loving grandfather would give to his grandchild.              The Dr. said “Oh! I understand now. So let us play a game together. You play yourself and I will play GOD who is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent. Now fire away your questions and your doubts.”   I just didn’t understand and was totally confused and annoyed too. Was the old Doctor trying to make fun of me, my disease and my anxieties?        I replied “I do not understand why I am suffering from such a deadly disease. What have I done that I should not have done or what have I not done that I should have done? I have knowingly not hurt a soul by my words, thoughts and deeds. Why is then GOD doing this to me?”        The Dr. calmly replied “You have neither done anything nor have you seriously missed out on anything and for that matter nothing extraordinary has happened to you either. Why do you attach so much importance to yourself and that too in the eyes of the GOD? There are billions of human lives created by Him, I am not even counting animals, birds, sea life forms, insects and other flora. Who are you, just one amongst countless billions of life forms. But OK, since I am playing GOD and can do anything, let me ask you if you want to be immortal. Mind you, as GOD, I can easily arrange it but you should be in no hurry to reply in the affirmative. Think, reflect, just in another 100 years your wife, sons, daughters, grand children etc. will all either die or lose interest in you. You will feel extremely lonely and I can assure you that that will be worse than death. In fact, you will pray every moment for death but you will not die because you have chosen immortality.         I replied “No, I do not want immortality to face a future, which is worse than death”      Dr. continued “I can also give you a choice to die at a moment of your choosing. How about it? In our religious texts, Bhishm had this boon of ITCHCHHAMARAN, though I call it a curse. It is never easy to decide to call it a day. Hopes for a better future never die. We always wait for a better tomorrow. Psychologists claim that even those who commit suicide do so in a moment of frenzy only and have an intense feeling of regret at the moment when life is going out but it is too late then. Think coolly and decide. The choice is yours.”         Feeling mesmerized with the clarity of his thoughts, I replied “No, I don’t want that either.” Smilingly, Dr. continued “See, in just five minutes, you have declined GOD’s offer of immortality and death by choice. We won’t stop here though. Now tell me how you would like to die. There has to be reason, you will surely agree. Would you prefer cancer? “No, not cancer. I have seen cancer gripping some of my near and dear ones. And how I wished that death should release them from their misery soon.” I replied. Dr. asked “how about accidental death, heart attack, death by drowning etc.” “No, no, it is too sudden. You are there one moment and gone the next. You never get to tie up loose ends and at every moment, some urgent jobs are always pending.” I replied like a trapped animal. Dr. continued “Well, how about paralysis, dementia, Parkinson’s, insanity etc.”    I had started feeling very uncomfortable indeed and wanted to end it all. I said “What horrible options are you giving me one after the other. I am sorry but I cannot continue the game anymore. Enough is enough for me. I want to tell you once for all that I don’t want any more horrible options and admit that I can’t decide.” Dr. had a broad and contented smile on his benevolent face. “OK we end the game here. See in less than 15 minutes, you concluded that you neither want immortality nor death as per your choice. So you want death but again are unable to decide how it should come. If then, GOD has relieved you of this burden and taken the responsibility upon Himself, what are you complaining about? Life is not yours. It is GOD’s gift to you for your use till it is with you. You can and should only ensure that you make good and proper use of this. You must care for this valuable gift though and so do not be careless about your treatment. Pursue it vigorously. I am sorry that I cannot offer you any medical advice as I know that you are in more capable hands. In fact, I asked you pointblank as to why you have come to me, an ordinary MBBS, from such a great distance. You hesitated first time, out of decency perhaps, but came out with the truth second time that you came here on the express desire of your sister. I know them and they are pristine souls and have travelled far on the path of spiritualism. In a sudden flash, I realized that their purpose was not for me to treat your external body but your inner self which you may call you soul, your mind,  your thoughts or what you like which is of a far more permanent nature. We read in Geeta that we are only to do our karmas and not bother about the results. This is not to be only read, recited and forgotten but to be implemented in such situations. Go back and immerse yourself in your good karma. I too have to serve my patients, waiting outside. We have already spent a lot of time together and I hope that none of us would find it wasteful.” I came out with strange and mixed feelings of frustration, anger, confusion but solace too. I had gone for a medical advice. I never got it, not even a few words of sympathy. I could however not forget the strange interview. It was gradually seeping in the deep recesses of my subconscious mind. It slowly permeated in my inner self and gave me tremendous mental strength through the transplant operation and the aftercare fortnight long seclusion. My elder brother donated one of his kidneys to me. Transplant was successfully done in Dec.2003. Mayank Tewari ‘89, Shekhar Ghoshal ’82,  Arunendra Kumar, hundreds of well wishers  in Mech., G.Adm., Personnel and medical depts. lent a helping hand. 12 years down the line, by GOD’s good graces, both me and my brother 78 years now are leading a normal life and doing our KARMA. I met Dr. Phadake of Chembur  for only those eventful 25 minutes and never again though I kept hearing about him. Till my retirement in 2004, news was being exchanged through my sister then I lost touch. What he gave me was very valuable and a permanent treasure with me. Last week I met a distant cousin from Delhi and I mentioned this story to him. His wife hails from Chembur and she said that Dr. Phadake had always been their family physician and was well respected. And yes he was outspoken too. She said he died peacefully in his home surrounded by his near and dear once, at a ripe age of 88 yrs. This is being penned down in grateful memory of a great doctor who treated patients’ body and soul both, as needed and who gave me immense mental strength